The Healing Journey
*Trigger Warning: Although I tried not to be graphic about it, I do talk about the actual process of the miscarriage.
8/6 Wednesday- As our evening wound down it became clear that we were all in shock. I set into planning mode trying to figure out how to proceed. I looked into pre-birth communication sessions because all I wanted to know was why. I sent a group message to my closest group of mama friends. They had been helping me through the pregnancy and I wanted to keep them updated. I spoke with my acupuncturist and friend and I felt comfort knowing she would come over the following day.
8/7 Thursday- In the morning Kaj played outside with his friend who lives next door. I cringed when I overheard him retelling the story of everything we went through the day before, but it turned out his buddy has been through a similar experience with his mom. It was sweet to see the support and caring coming from a child. My mom eventually picked him up even though he was resistant. He was worried about leaving me but I wanted him to shake of the shock and stress and act like a child again. At the same time Kaj was getting picked up, my friend and acupuncturist arrived with holistic goodies. She brought me some homeopathic pills, some Bach flower remedy for shock and some raspberry leaf tea to strengthen my uterus. She took us out to lunch. I hadn’t eaten a real meal since before our ER visit and I really needed something comforting and grounding. We feasted on least hoity-toity grass fed burgers you can find on the Westside along with truffle fries and onion rings. It was just what I needed. When we got home we changed and laid down for a couples acupuncture treatment. This was a special treat. I was able to relax so deeply and really start to process what was happening. Up until then I was afraid to really tap into my emotions because I felt the need to stay alert and strong for Kaj. Gabe also had his first chance to really cry and feel his emotions. As with all my acupuncture treatments I felt like my reset button had been pushed. We were left to relax and soak in this healing. Later in the day a friend brought by some prepared foods that came in so handy for those moments when I needed to nourish myself but didn’t even have the brainpower or energy to prepare a proper meal. Mom brought Kaj back and we all felt just a tad more settled.
8/8 Friday was our one year wedding anniversary. We should have been leaving for Vegas but instead we are waiting out the miscarriage. I posted a little Facebook blurb and photo in honor of the day. I didn’t want to share anything yet. At this time all I could think of is the fact that we must be doing something right because the few friends that knew about it had given us so much love and support in just the past few days. I always take it as a sign that you are doing something right when amazing people surround you.
8/9 Saturday- Kaj was gone for the weekend with his father. Mom visited and brought my favorite comfort food. We made green juice and talked. At this point I’m cramping regularly but no other signs of miscarriage.
8/11 Monday- Kaj is back and things are somewhat normal. That evening we have our Soul Baby, pre-birth communication call. Kelly of Birth Healing provided us with some very healing information. If you aren’t familiar with pre-birth communication I like to think of it as channeling or mediumship with the souls of your unborn children. It was very synchronistic how I came across Kelly in a Facebook mama’s group about a week prior to this whole incident and she actually had a group healing for loss the evening that we found out there was no heartbeat. As we started talking it really sunk in for me that it was hard for me to connect with this baby. With Kaj it was easy and quick. I remember seeing his face in my dreams early on. With this baby it was so difficult to get clues. I was so sure that it was a little girl because I had been told many years ago that I would have a girl, my morning sickness and the stark contrast between this pregnancy and Kaj’s made me feel like it was a girl and I had so many healing moments with my female friends during the pregnancy. But Kelly picked up a boy’s energy. She said that often if we know intuitively that the baby won’t make it full term we don’t connect as strongly intuitively. She said he was so happy and excited that she had to tell him to slow down. Here are just a few pieces of our call that I’ve transcribed to share the depth of the experience and just how healing it was for me:
– He has a lot of his energy in his heart. He has a very powerful heart. (When we heard the heartbeat at the first midwife visit the heartbeat was super strong and healthy.)
– He says, “I’m going to be back but I want to be stronger.”
– It is about timing. His body just wasn’t going to make it and it wasn’t right. He hears you when you speak to him and he feels what you are feeling as well and he encourages you to keep speaking to him.
– Absolutely nothing you could have done differently. It wasn’t your body or anything you did. It was on a deeper level. There was such an important message and energy in his conception alone and I feel like you know that. And that was just step one of your own spiritual evolution in this world.
– I feel like he wants to come back. Sometimes they don’t come back they just stay with you in the spirit world or they bring in other children…. He is very strong and bold…. His vibration and energy is really strong and he wants to be able to integrate that within both of you as well, for you to connect your hearts in a way that is going to grow and evolve for when either his energy or another being comes through.
– He wraps his hands around the back of your shoulders. “It’s okay mom, I’m here just in a different realm.”
– The body is not him. There is a reason why you are still holding on. There is a really important message for you for you to connect with your 2nd chakra energy and feminine energy in a different way.
– There is a stronger, more viable body as well as experience for him to come through in the years to come.
– For dad, it’s about connecting with the heart.
– He makes me feel like he is putting this veil around your head.
– He has a leadership energy about him, which makes me realize the type of vibration that he needs to come in on. He needs a strong vibration that can really harness what he wants to do in the world. (Lots of fire and lion energy)
– He loves and adores his mom and dad and you will always be that for him.
That call put me in a very hopeful place. Many of the things she shared really connected with what we were experiencing and feeling. I was happy to know that we have a very strong and joyful energy that will eventually come through.
8/13- Gabe and I argue. Gabe and I make up and end up in a stronger place. I was in a hopeful and strong place. He was in a place of processing and mourning. He was feeling like he needed to be strong and take on the weight of everything. It was an opportunity for him to see me being strong and to know that I can support him too. I learned that to let him grieve and process things in his own way and own timing.
8/15 It’s Friday and all through the previous nights sleep I toss and turn over going to my last weekend of class. I know I shouldn’t go and I don’t really want to be around people. But this is my last weekend meeting of my last class before I receive my degree, plus I love the class. I don’t want to mess anything up and I don’t know how to communicate what is going on to my male professor. I couldn’t figure out if I should just email him telling him that I have a medical emergency, or be more specific. My intuition told me to be more specific, even though part of me thought it was wrong and weird to discuss miscarriage with a man. I ended up telling him that we found there was no heartbeat and I was waiting out the miscarriage. He responded back with so much empathy, his wife had been through a very similar experience years ago. I felt so blessed and relieved to have a professor who understood and we worked out a deal to make things easy for me. I was able to relax and focus on healing instead of worrying about the class.
8/18- Monday- I got through the weekend and even made it out of the house a few times for some Korean tofu soup and Swedish candy. I couldn’t stand being in the house as much and was getting really emotional every morning. By this time I’m cramping every day, sometimes very strong and the doctor’s voice saying “it could happen anytime” keeps me on edge. During the evenings I dance, pray and meditate to try and release emotionally and physically. At one point I was able to meditate to a point were I felt contractions and my cervix opening, but it doesn’t progress.
8/19- My acupuncturist who has been checking in on me daily suggests getting checked out by a Doctor. Like a cat being dunked into a bathtub I resist and panic. This was not what I was expecting to hear from her. She was concerned because I was starting to get really sleepy. I figured it was just from depression and I break down. I try to do my standard Less Stress meditation and I cry hysterically through the whole thing unable to get to a calm place. In this moment I realized that I was focusing on didn’t want more than what I want. I was so fearful that I would go to the doctor’s office and they would tell me I needed a D&C(E). I just kept thinking that I couldn’t have my uterus scraped. I didn’t want anybody or thing in my womb other than my babies.
8/20- Won mi fits me in for emergency acupuncture. She picks up fear and indecision. And it was true. All I was focusing on my fears and I felt like I hadn’t really committed to the natural miscarriage. I left feeling rebalanced once again and knew it was time to think about what I really wanted.
8/21- I had made a doctors appointment online the previous day, but it was too far out. I call Kaiser to get sooner appointment and explained situation to rep who gave me a next day appointment at a location I don’t usually go to. I start to once again research my options, google missed miscarriage and natural miscarriage at 17 weeks. I know my options are basically an induction or D&C(E) so I start to mentally prepare for an induction. It makes sense to me that if I can be induced we would probably do it immediately, so I start to think about what type of experience I want to have.
8/22- I can’t concentrate most of the day because I’m so nervous about the appointment. Kaj is getting picked up to spend the weekend with his dad. Luckily Gabe and I have just enough time to eat and go to the appointment. I go semi-prepped for what I expect might happen. I’ve packed my large tote bag with crystals, meditations and music on my charged iPod and my Message from the Masters book.
We check in and wait nervously. When I’m called Gabe tries to go back with me but the nurse won’t let him in until she checks me in. Then we are both led into the exam room. It was so much easier to wait in that room with him there to keep me company. The doctor is male and just hours ago as I was googling him I was remarking why a man would want to work in this field. I did find that he went to school in Sweden and used that information to soothe me. Sweden seemed to be a theme for me lately so I took it as a sign and hoped that maybe it meant he wasn’t locked into the type of western medicine ideals I was so fearful of. Once I met him and started explaining everything to him I was so soothed. He jokes with us about how all other non-OBGYN doctors are extremely scared of pregnant women. Now I felt like there was a reason why my ER visit felt so cold. When I stated that I wanted to have a natural miscarriage and wait it out he responded with praise for doing it the natural way and said it was absolutely fine. I felt incredibly relieved to be hearing this and not the fearful uterus scraping line I had been replaying in my head. Then he clarified, absolutely fine to wait it out during the first trimester. So I spoke up and said we were at 17 weeks when we found out. That prompted an ultrasound so he could measure the baby’s head and get a more exact estimation of how big the baby was. The baby’s head measured at just under 17 weeks. Now our conversation changed. He felt that the baby was too big at this point for a natural miscarriage. So now we had the option to induce or the D&E, which he stated wasn’t something they like to do often. Hallelujah! I told him that I would prefer to be induced and we decided that it should happen a.s.a.p. We went back to the waiting room while he made some calls. Soon after we were called back and given instructions to walk over to Labor and Delivery. I felt safe and guided. When we were sitting in the waiting room while he was making his call I looked across the hall to see room number 444, which translates to angels being near you. I knew that I could probably find cases of women who had a natural miscarriage this late in the pregnancy, but at this point I had decided that I wanted help and I was ready to proceed.
It was around 5 pm when we checked into Labor and Delivery the head nurse walked us to a birthing room. I settled in and changed into a gown, got my iPod out and processed what was about to happen. Gabe and I started to discuss what he needed to grab from home for our little adventure. As I got hooked up and checked in I sent him home to grab a change of clothes for us, jammies for us, snacks, etc. Luckily we live only 15 minutes from the hospital and everything was moving slowly for me.
From here I will speed up the story and omit the play by play. Around 8pm I was given Cytotec (Misoprostol) to induce. G and I had a laugh at the in room white board note “induce with Miso” especially because we had just watched a Mind of a Chef episode about miso. The baby didn’t leave my body until 10am the next morning. During the entire process I was seen and or touched by four different doctors. The nursed changed shifts twice. The women were very caring and nurturing. I especially loved Chanel, who was with me when we checked in, left for the evening and was back in the morning. I told her I wanted to get through the process as naturally as possible and I wanted to be able to walk and move around as much as possible. She was very helpful even seemed interested in knowing about the birthing center I was going to.
The entire birthing process was very healing. In the morning we were at a point were the doctor’s were changing shifts. The male doctor who was with me during the evening told me that if I didn’t progress the doctor that came on next might be more inclined to D&E. When he left me I went into healing mode. I started doing reiki on my womb while listening to reiki healing meditations and 2 chakra healing meditation. When the nurses would ask me where my pain was at I would always respond 4 or 5 out of 10. For me this was a mind over matter issue and even if I was feeling more pain or intensity I didn’t want to make it seem like it was more than I could handle. I kept working through what I thought were cramps by humming, moaning and breathing. I started to feel like I needed Gabe to be more active and had to give him a quick lesson in birth coaching. Poor thing had no training and thought I was doing just fine. I decided to brief him before I ripped his head off and he was smart to listen. I had him sit at the end of the bed while I sat up and leaned on him through the contractions/cramps. Nobody had been in to check on us for awhile so I used this as a chance to do things they might not encourage, but I knew were right for my body. I knew that lying on my back was not going to help the birthing progress. I went from leaning forward to squatting and using Gabe as support. Then I decided to conserve my strength by resting in a semi-squat/sit, with my shins touching down on the bed. I then felt like I needed to go poo. I knew that if I told a nurse she would make me go in a bedpan and I was not into that. I asked G to unhook me from my monitors and help me get to the bathroom before the nurses came back. Then I rose up from my seated position and felt something slide out. As easy as that my baby was out. I was so shocked. I knew my girlfriends had talked about feeling like they need to poop when pushing but I didn’t realize that was what I was going through. We called the nurse and I had to lay back. I didn’t want to see the baby initially but as I laid back I had to at least glimpse at it. Then I decided to really look at it. When I looked at our little sweet potato sized baby and saw a glimpse of Gabe’s face, the fact that this was our baby hit me and the emotions started to flow.
Now the new doctor came in, she was a gorgeous young Latina doctor. She was very sweet and gentle. I knew the placenta was still inside me and she reassured that it was fine. She wanted to give me more Cytotec to help release it, but then there was a young male doctor that asked if he could massage my uterus. He proceeded to massage it out, which I was grateful for. I didn’t want any more drugs if I didn’t need it. From then on it was a process of healing up so we could go home. I immediately started another reiki healing session as soon as I could with a focus on having my uterus go back down to size and for my bleeding to slow. We were left alone for most of the day. My uterus went back down to size quickly, all my vitals were fine and I was feeling great. I was happy to eat again, even crappy hospital food. We got to see the baby one more time after they had cleaned it up and put it in a little box for us. Our nurse told us it was a boy and as we looked at him we noticed that his tiny legs were shaped just like mine and his tiny arms just like Gabe’s. We looked at the body with interest, but Kelly’s words kept echoing in my mind. It was not his body. I knew my baby is still here in spirit. I knew he was with us in the room and the body was just a container that wasn’t going to work for his intended journey. Still, seeing the body gave me a sense of hope. Finally I was able to see what we created. To see this little being that had been with me for 17 weeks and now I have hope that we can create a little being that is a beautiful mix or the two of us.
The Healing, The Lessons
I’m finishing up writing this nearly three weeks after the completion of the miscarriage. I wanted to wait until I share the news with the world until I was in a good place with everything. Now that I’ve processed and now written out everything I feel like I’m in a very healthy, healed and blessed place. Hopefully by reading this you will see how even a tragic loss like this is also an opportunity to grow, learn and heal. I share with you the wisdom and healing that I take away from this experience in order to share my light. So please, don’t feel obligated to respond with a “sorry” or “my heart aches for you”. I realize that responses like this are what most people feel is right and polite. But I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or hurt for me.
If you’ve read my initial post on the pregnancy it is easy to see there were a lot of lesson in it for me, especially in the first several weeks. Mostly I was given a chance to stop being so hard on myself. I was pushed and pulled in areas of my life that needed to be worked on.
Through the two weeks of miscarriage I…..
Felt the depth of what it means to be a woman.
Awakened to feminine strength.
Saw our relationship strengthen. If we can get through this we can get through anything.
Had an opportunity to connect with my body.
Was forced to look at how I’m focus my attention.
Healed my fear of western medicine and was grateful for the help.
Healed my issues around trust in men.
Saw the support from friends and family as confirmation that we are in divine union.
Dove deeper in teaching of past lives and connected more with the idea of eternal souls.
Saw myself accept healing, love and support more openly and in many ways.
Was able to experience birth in a hospital without pain medications or any side effects.
Was able to birth in a hospital with little intervention and following my own intuition.
Released any lingering fear of birth. If I could handle those contractions so easily I know I can handle a natural birth with ease and joy.
Felt stronger and more confident in being an advocate for my own health.
Saw that everything really does happen for a reason.
Saw myself become stronger than I knew I was.
Grew closer to Kaj, saw him connect intuitively to his soul brother.
Have this beautiful understanding that there is a soul working with me that has already given me HUGE lessons. I imagine him placing that veil on my head, reminding me to keep my thoughts divine. How lucky am I to have these children in this dimension and in the spirit world that are guiding me, teaching me and love me so much!
Am in so much gratitude for how lucky am I to have a husband that was so strong and willing to heal, grieve and support me fully through this all.
So as you see even though it was painful and shocking, I’ve been blessed with much growth and wisdom. Thank you for allowing me to share my story and I hope that it reaches those who need to read these words.