There is no easy way to go about this but this is what I am called forth to share. I shall respect my guidance and push forth to speak and share knowing that the greater good of healing is larger than the fear surrounding this issue.
The issue of women’s reproductive rights is becoming increasingly hot right now with the presidential election approaching. As a woman who is in a committed relationship and ready to have another child what should I worry about abortions? Obviously I worry about my fellow sister’s right to choose, I acknowledge the fact that my situation could change, but what really upsets me is the lack of compassion. People are so eager to judge, to control others and tell them what is “wrong” and “right”. The truth is there is no wrong or right, good or bad. Life is life, it’s a balance, it’s dark and light, yin and yang, peaks and valleys. Life is a journey and we each own our journey and nobody else’s. With that said having an abortion is not easy, it can be one of the darkest, scariest, most heart-breaking experiences in a woman’s life. I pray that more people can start to see this issue with eyes of compassion and help women who are faced with the guilt and shame of abortion to heal.
I speak from experience and can only empathize with my fellow sisters who have had to make this choice. I’ve been pulled to come out of the abortion closet, to start taking the shame away from abortion and start the healing. The final trigger for me was seeing a video where Oprah, yes Oprah broke down about being pregnant at 14. Oprah did give birth to her child, but he died after two weeks in the hospital, likely due to extreme measures Oprah was taking attempting to commit suicide. I figured that if Oprah, the queen of all media can be transparent with her story, so can I.
When I realized I was pregnant at 21 I knew I had to have my child. Even though I wasn’t opposed to abortion in general I knew it wasn’t the time for it. My mom shocked me and told me that nearly every woman in our family had an abortion at one time. I thought that she would be supportive and excited, yet she didn’t want to me to struggle as a single parent like she did. Ever since my son was in my womb I knew he was here to change my life, I knew the struggle was worth it. Struggle I did, it wasn’t until these past few years that I have been able to break free from the struggle of being a single parent. I’m now blessed with a supportive partner and have broken free from control, manipulation and emotional abuse. When my son was a few years old I found myself pregnant again. This was a huge surprise and I was not prepared for it. Even though I was in a committed and loving relationship, I was older and more stable, I knew that I would not be with that person forever. I knew that I could not expect to be supported by this young man and that having two children from two fathers would be more than I could handle. I can hear the comments now: “If you don’t want to have two kids from two different men you shouldn’t be sleeping with so many men. You should take responsibility for your actions.” You can paint me out to be a low-life slut but the reality is that not all women who have abortions are sluts.
At the time I found myself pregnant the second time I was 24 or 25, I had been with my boyfriend for over a year and he was my second boyfriend. At 25 I had only slept with two men within two long term relationships. If I hadn’t given myself the space to grow, explore and heal I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am scared to think where I would be. The decision was hard for me. I remember breaking down and crying in my boss’ office because I needed time off for the procedure. Even though she was the most understanding and amazing boss I ever had I was too scared to tell her exactly what was going on. I remember going to the beach afterward, not to relax or sunbathe, but to connect with the healing energy of the water, but being upset that I couldn’t swim. I remember laying on the floor doubled up in pain, asking for Advil. I was in pain physically and emotionally. I remember looking up the Chinese Conception Calendar out of curiosity just to see if it would be a boy or a girl. It was a girl. I had to say goodbye to my little girl. I asked her for forgiveness and promised her that we would reconnect at the right time. Just now as I type this I realize why my desire to have a little girl has been so strong lately. Now that I am getting ready to marry my twin flame. Now that I feel stable, strong and healed my little girl is ready to reconnect with me. A month or so ago we ran into a friend at the farmer’s market. She is a highly skilled intuitive and at one point while we were talking she said “wow she is all around you….it’s a girl.” I didn’t realize what she was saying right away, but I caught up with her and she explained that she kept from shouting “are you pregnant?!” because my son was there. She said that there is a little girl just waiting to come through. Now it all makes sense, when I was going through the abortion I felt sorrow but I knew that it wasn’t loss, it was a delay.
To my sisters who have had abortions, who might have to make the choice now or in the future, know that spirits don’t die. If you feel guilt for not being able to bring this spirit through, let it go. Know that in this lifetime or the next you will reconnect. Please don’t beat yourself up, don’t let shame or guilt hang on too long. Honor your body by taking care of it, letting it heal and seeking out treatment in a safe environment. I wish I would have known that there are people like Pati aka Chula Doula, who offer abortion support back when I went through mine. I want women to know there are resources for healing available. I am here for you.
Sisters, I share my story for us. For our healing. Guilt and shame are very low vibration energies. We must free ourselves from these labels first if we expect others to treat us with respect. If we want change in the world around us we must start with ourselves. That does not necessarily mean you have to share your story like I did. You know exactly what you need to do to heal. If you need help getting started please feel free to contact me. If you know someone who may benefit from this please share.
I love you.